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There are no easy solutions when trying to parent a child with an eating disorder. Unfortunately, therapists, physicians and other health care providers have no quick cures that will make dealing with your child’s recovery a smooth process. However, there are strategies you can use to parent your eating disordered child or adolescent that can encourage recovery: If your child is under age 18, take him/her for an assessment IMMEDIATELY. If you are suspicious of the behaviors and mood changes you are seeing, chances are he/she could benefit from treatment. At least you will know after the assessment that you have professional guidance regarding the level of treatment your child needs. Make sure the professional you see is an experienced eating disorders specialist with the credentials to back that up. Do not worry about your child “hating” you. If you have begun to educate yourself about eating disorders, you may recognize it is the ‘eating disorder voice’ telling you that, not your child. Many parents tell us "I don't know who she is anymore," that their child has “disappeared”. In some respects, this is true. Your healthy, confident child is now being directed by the inner voice of an eating disorder, forcing them to question everything they eat and do. If you try to interrupt that by asking him/her to eat, you will meet resistance. This is part of the process and why you need professional guidance about how to help your child in the best way possible. After taking your child for an assessment, you should be getting literature and direction from the therapist about how to handle day-to-day situations, like mealtimes, whether exercise is appropriate, handling questions about being fat, etc. Feel free to ask questions – we are used to it and welcome it! We would far rather hear from you than have you feeling guilt-ridden that you said or did the wrong thing. Do not make decisions for the family’s eating based on your child’s demands. He/she should not get to decide what the family eats, what restaurant you go to or where you vacation based on what the child will or won't eat. He/she is not capable of making healthy decisions; remember, it us usually the eating disorder making the choices for him/her. Do not be afraid to confront what you are seeing. It is best to focus on specific behaviors, such as “You seem to be eating less at dinner” or “You don’t go out with your friends like you used to.” This is a nonjudgmental, non-threatening way to talk about your concerns. You may still meet resistance, but it is better to verbalize your concerns than it is to do nothing. Avoid making comments about his/her size, body, shape or weight, even when asked. This is a NO WIN SITUATION. Therapists are often caught in this dilemma when asked by patients “Do I look fat?” We deal with this question by asking “How do you FEEL right now?” If you tell them it looks like they have lost weight, it is likely to be interpreted as a success, thus feeding into the eating disorder. If you tell them it looks like they have gained weight, even when they need to, it will be interpreted as failure. Continue to show your child love and affection as you normally would. You don’t love your child any less, so let him/her know that. Within reason, it is okay to express your frustration with the eating disorder and the behaviors, but reassure that you still love him/her. Talk about issues other than food. Most of our patients complain that their parents only talk about food, and they have little identity beyond that of an eating disordered patient in their home. It is especially useful during eating times to talk about your job, your hobbies, how their day was, how school is going, etc. Do not make statements like “Your eating disorder is ruining the whole family.” You may feel this way, but it is best expressed in the privacy of a conversation with a friend or spouse. Your child has an illness; it is not helpful to berate him/her for this. Do not make decisions out of fear the child will become worse, stop eating, or whatever the threat they make. You do not need to be held hostage by the disorder. Carry on, set limits and consequences as needed. Clear, kind and direct communication is what is needed. If your child chooses to indulge in further eating disorder behaviors, this is not because they were grounded for coming home late. Don’t feel responsible for your child’s choices. Eventually, he/she must learn to manage the disorder and recovery on his/her own. This requires learning to handle disappointment and consequences for behaviors. Once your child is involved in therapy, get involved yourself. Attend groups, check the internet, get books and educate yourself on the disease process and how it impacts the family. Ask if family therapy is needed and get a referral. If you would benefit from individual therapy yourself (most parents would during this challenging and stressful time) make time for this. Above all, take good care of yourself! You are no help to your child(ren) if you are exhausted, irritable, and unhealthy yourself. Make sure your get adequate rest, exercise, food and recreation in your life. It will make you much more capable to parent your child during the arduous recovery process.
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