Written by: Laura E. Gray    Article Posted: Sunday, 27 January 2008

1.   BE PRESENT WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR KIDS   

This may seem obvious, but in my practice, I see so many parents checking their voice mail and Blackberry while they're with their kids. More importantly, I hear from my clients (kids) how annoyed and ignored they feel when they ride in the car or try to talk to a parent “...and she's always on her cell phone.”  If our kids are as valuable as they should be, shut it off, give them your full attention and let them know they matter.  If you give this message consistently, they are more likely to come to you when something is really bothering them.

2.   TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

This may seem obvious, but a stressed, irritable, overscheduled parent is not a healthy parent.  Give yourself permission to get a sitter and go out with friends, go to the gym, go on a date with your spouse, read a book, or whatever gives you peace. I have had parents tell me they feel guilty leaving their kids.  However, it is far more beneficial to you AND your kids for both of you to get a break.  You'll be refreshed and ready to take on another day of whatever parenting deals you.  It has been said countless times, but we are all better parents when we take care of ourselves first.

3.   BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL  

Always know that your children are watching you.  They pay attention to what you say, what you DON'T say, your tone, how much you eat, drink or smoke, and on and on.  No one is perfect, and we all say and do things we'd like to undo.  Unfortunately, once it's “out” it's too late.  On a positive note, your kids also pick up your good deeds and habits.  Volunteering, politeness, kindness and engaging in a healthy lifestyle are all characteristics children tend to emulate. Statistics show that when teens are polled, they overwhelmingly cite their parents as the most influential people in their life.

4.   DON'T BE THEIR BEST FRIEND 

This is easier said than done.  It's tempting and fun to buy things for your kids, share in their experiences and want to be the “fun” parent who lets them do what they want.  This is usually not what they NEED.  Kids need limits, structure and clear rules.  In my practice, I commonly hear complaints from kids that their parents “never stick to what they say” or will “take back the punishment way before it's up.”  I used to be shocked when I heard this, thinking kids were bluffing.  I have learned they know their parents far better than I do and their prediction is usually right.

As a parent, it's hard to follow through on consequences when your child is whining, threatening or just being difficult.  Remember, how you handle situations when they are young will pay off tremendously when they get older.  If you teach them you are easy to manipulate and don't follow through, they will test you relentlessly.  Teach them early on that you are the adult, and that means sometimes not liking you.  It is my experience that parents fear rejection from their kids.  Know that part of their growth is to reject you.  It's painful, but it's normal.  Be the parent they need you to be. It's your job.

5.   PROMOTE INDEPENDENCE 

This is another parenting strategy that tends to pay off if you start early.  Trying to get a teenager to begin taking responsibility at 17 is far more difficult (and almost impossible) than guiding a 4 year old.  Very young children can do simple things to help out the family (and community) which makes them feel proud, kind and promotes an overall sense of well-being.  Ask them to put their dirty clothes in the laundry, set the table, clear their dishes, etc. as soon as they are able.  Along this line, do NOT rescue your kids when they make mistakes.  Natural consequences are part of life and I have far too many clients who have not been held accountable for their behavior.  It makes for a very difficult transition to adulthood when one's parents have bailed them out repeatedly and the real world doesn't.

6.   INTERVENE EARLY

By this I mean don't wait until they're teens to start setting limits on their rude behavior.  Don't wait to take privileges away.  Most of all, don't wait to talk to them.  Ask them how things are going, what's going on at school, and how they're doing.  If you do this early, kids grow to expect this is a normal part of your relationship.  They will still challenge you when you invade their privacy, and you can learn to gauge when to push and when to back off.  Remind yourself that love doesn't mean giving in to demands.  Love looks like limits, consistency, and sometimes being the bad guy.  Learn to get comfortable asking hard questions and checking in with your kids often.  They need to know you care and sometimes they won't ask for help when they're in over their head.

7.   DON'T EMBARRASS KIDS IN FRONT OF THEIR FRIENDS 

This may seem so simple, but it's another issue frequently discussed in sessions I have with kids.  They may do rude and disrespectful things toward you around their friends, sometimes in hopes of earning respect from them. It is far better to either pull them aside privately or talk with them when the friends are gone. When alone, ask them what they recall.  Tell them (without guilting or yelling) how hurt you are to be treated like that.  It is your responsibility to remind them it needs to be addressed, so don't just ignore it.  If you do, you are teaching them it’s okay to treat you that way.  If it happens repeatedly, don't hesitate to send the friend(s) home or give them a few days with no friend privileges.  It may take time, but they will learn.

8.   BEWARE OF THE OVERINDULGED CHILD  

I could write an entire book on this issue (and people have!).  As I said earlier, it is so tempting to give your child everything you never got, from material goods to trips to privileges to food.  It is often suggested to give privileges to kids based on an inverted pyramid; start small and gradually add on as they demonstrate the ability to handle them.  Also, pay attention to whose needs are getting met when you buy or say yes to your child.  Does it make you feel better?  Do you feel you're somehow “fixing” things you've done wrong by giving in to them? 

We have an entire culture of overindulged children.  They have ipods, gamesystems, cell phones, pagers and anything else they seem to want.  Unfortunately, this population is lacking in motivation, empathy and a sense of well-being.  I am not blaming parents, but suggesting we, as parents examine what we're teaching our children by indulging them.  Often my clients complain they have “no real reason to get up in the morning.”  This causes me to question if they had a sense of purpose, a drive that motivated them, perhaps they'd feel more fulfilled.  Allow your children the opportunity to “want” for things, and they're more likely to develop motivation.

9.  RESIST THE URGE TO OVERSCHEDULE 

By this I mean, pay attention to how much of your child's time is scheduled with sports, music lessons, extracurricular activities, playdates, etc.  The overscheduled child can be irritable, exhausted, unfocused and depressed when not allowed enough downtime.  Children need time to learn to tolerate boredom, find ways to explore their creativity via drawing, playing, reading, changing their room or whatever they can do to entertain themselves beyond video.  I often encourage parents to talk with their children about how much video time they have daily (this includes gameboy, playsystem, TV, computer, myspace, and any time in front of a screen). This is essentially passive entertainment, and there is some controversy regarding the addictive nature of video playing. 

If kids are involved in sports or extracurriculars, talk with them about limiting the amount of time you're both willing to give up.  Keep in mind an overscheduled child has an overscheduled parent, as you need to arrange for transportation.  Decide as a family how much time is reasonable to spend away from the family.  Traditions and rituals (like family meals) are essential to the growth and development of a child.  A recent study revealed that children who eat at least four meals weekly with their family are at lower risk for depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol use and unplanned pregnancy.

10. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN DISCOMFORT  

This resolution speaks to our tendency to avoid that which feels awkward to us.  Talking to our kids about sexual activity, drug and alcohol use, bullying and any challenging topic is hard.  The important thing is to recognize the discomfort in yourself and then practice, practice, practice.  Learn to talk with empathy. Don't try to fix things for your kids.  Most of the time, they just want someone to listen and validate.  Don't overreact; give them the opportunity to explain their position before jumping to conclusions.  Remind yourself that you were that age once and you can recall some of the humiliation and discomfort that comes with growing up. If you can put yourself back in that place, you will likely do just fine.