Routine? What Routine? A Parent’s Survival Guide for the “Off-Schedule” Days
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There is a specific kind of chaos that sets in when the carefully constructed family schedule starts to crumble. Whether it’s a holiday, a trip to the grandparents, or just a long weekend, the departure from the "normal" rhythm can turn even the calmest child into a dysregulated whirlwind. It’s exhausting, it’s loud, and it usually involves a lot of extra laundry. But here is the good news: while the routine might be gone, the peace doesn't have to be.
Question: I find it really challenging when my kids are off schedule and out of their regular routine. It seems to really dysregulate them. Do you have any suggestions for how to handle this?
This is very common. Many children rely heavily on routine to stay regulated.
The first step is actually for you as the parent: acknowledge and accept that your children will likely be a bit dysregulated. This doesn’t necessarily help them, but it helps you. When you expect it, you’re less surprised and less frustrated.
They may not sleep as well. 😴 They may fight more with siblings or cousins. 😬 They may not be on their best behavior. 🤦♀️
Lower expectations often lead to less disappointment.
That said, there are still some practical things you can do to help.
Bring familiar sleep comforts. If you’re going away, bring whatever helps them sleep well: their pillow, blanket, favorite pajamas, or white noise. Encourage downtime and naps when possible. 🛏️
Don’t underestimate food. Kids who are hungry or unsure about the food available can unravel quickly. If you’re traveling or staying somewhere else and you’re not sure your host will have the foods your kids usually eat, bring them. Yogurts, snacks, and familiar foods can go a long way in keeping everyone regulated. 🍎🥨
Create a simple Yom Tov contest. 🎟️ When routine is off, a little structure can go a long way. Keep it very simple.
Give each child 5 tickets at the start of the day.
They lose a ticket if they: • Use their hands on a sibling • Argue about nap time or bedtime • Continue fighting after being asked to stop. You can also give bonus tickets when you notice them using a coping tool 🧠💡 or catching themselves before a meltdown 👏.
At the end of the day, they can trade in the tickets they still have for a small reward 🎁, or they can save them. Each ticket can count as one dollar toward a store of their choice for a bigger prize later on. 🛍️
This gives them instant gratification, while also allowing them to work toward a longer-term goal.
Remember: when kids are out of their normal rhythm, perfection isn’t the goal. Besides for my challenges with the change in schedule, how can I help my anxious child who struggles when he has to leave his home and regular routine?
Try to do as much preparation as possible. Preparation helps anxious children feel more in control. 🧠
For younger kids (or any child you feel can benefit) you can write out a social story. This is simply a short story that explains what will happen and the changes your child might encounter. Walk them through what the days may look like so the experience feels more predictable.
It can also be very helpful to include your child in the conversation. Ask them what might make Yom Tov less stressful for them and see where you can reasonably accommodate their needs.
For example, if you usually follow a specific bedtime routine, reassure your child that you will try your best to keep that routine even at Bubby and Zeidy’s house. Familiar routines help children feel safe. 🛏️
At the same time, it’s okay to be honest. You can tell your child that yes, some things will be different and out of the norm, but it’s only for a certain number of days, and you believe they can handle it.
And don’t forget to celebrate the small successes along the way. 🌱💛 A group member shared this response to today’s question, and I thought it was such a great idea worth passing along:
Sometimes it’s easier for children to talk about feelings when it's not directly about them. One parent shared that when her child is feeling nervous, she acts out the situation using a doll.
For example, when her daughter was nervous about sleeping in a new place, they pretended the doll was going to sleep at a different house. Instead of asking, “What would help you feel calm?” she asked, “What would help the doll feel calm?”
Suddenly her daughter had lots of ideas, and together they used those ideas in real life. Such a simple and creative tool for helping kids express themselves.
At the end of the day, when kids are out of their normal rhythm, perfection isn’t the goal. Connection is. When the routine eventually returns, the memories of a well-handled, slightly "messy" week will be much more valuable than the memory of a perfectly timed nap that never happened. Keep the tools handy, keep the snacks closer, and celebrate the small successes along the way. 🌱💛
